Tess came into my office to work through some very difficult issues in her family of origin. She was forty-two when I met her, and in giving me her personal history, she clearly identified the major turning point of her life. Her gratitude for this experience was evident even before she started telling the story.

She had grown up in a wealthy family where relationships were poor. She had been given a lot of opportunities, and the family had created trusts in her name. During her twenties she had a rough relationship history. In fact, it was so rough that when she was thirty-one and a friend suggested that she attend a residential program which was set up to help people get their lives on track, she decided to sign up. The location of the program was on a remote island, and the leaders were "teachers." Looking back on the experience, she realized that these teachers were actually skilled therapists-even though they didn't call themselves therapists-and that she had been blessed with their commitment to help others and with the talent and skills they had to offer.

Within a week of arriving, she was in a session with her "Basic" group when her teacher, Barry Fisher, in response to a comment she made, said, "You are an ingrate. You are a spoiled brat. And until you give up those attitudes, you will not have the life you want." She was stunned. He had said it with such love, strength, and truth that she knew he was right. She felt the tears welling up and could hardly hold herself together for the rest of that session. She made it back to her cabin and sat and cried on the front step and then cried for two more days. The tears, she explained to me, were tears of despair and fear. Tess knew that Barry was right about her ungrateful attitudes and spoiled-brat behaviors, but she was used to being who she was-she didn't know how to be any other way.

She had the fear that things had to be the way they were in her life. Being from a well-known prominent family, she was used to people being deferential to her. She was used to having the best seats at every performance, a brand-new car whenever she wanted one, and others paying her way just because they were so honored to be with her. She had an awareness of being on top socially and felt that this was where she belonged. The question she struggled with was, "If I didn't have to have everything the best and the

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